I’m a bolshie wee bugger and no mistake. But it wasn’t always like this, I was a right fearty when I was wee. In fact, the inner scaredy cat in me hung around for a long, long time – well into adulthood.
Occasionally, that uncertain, unconfident, shy wee girl still makes her trembling presence felt – usually at some formal shindig where I’m duty bound to feel out of my depth. There’s something about fancy dinners and OTT events which brings on full nervous wreckery. The requirement to get dressed up like the proverbial dog’s dinner doesn’t help – the very thought of fancy-schmancy brings on The Fear, big style. If I don’t have the protective outer armour of a band t-shirt, DMs and jeans, I feel vulnerable and off kilter.
Weird then that most people don’t see that part of my personality. In my adult life, I’ve often been told how brave I am, usually in a work context, and generally at times when I’ve felt compelled to fight for the underdog, or pipe up against petty injustice or bad, bad behaviour. Whilst I always appreciated solidarity after the fact, I was always baffled (and maybe a bit hurt) that colleagues couldn’t see that actually, I was absolutely bricking it. Braveheart I ain’t. Or at least, I wasn’t when I was younger.
Photo by J.M Read on Unsplash
However, with the passage of time, and the encouragement of some outstandingly supportive role models, somehow or other I learned to overcome the worst of my insecurities to become quite the feisty female – on the outside anyway. One of the most useful skills I’ve picked up (and practiced ’til the cows come home), is an ability to hide it when I’m secretly crapping my pants. These days I simply will not stay schtum when the bad guys need called out.
I’m hardly alone when it comes to having hidden layers within my personality, but isn’t it funny how rarely we take time to notice the inner workings of those around us? It’s the usually the visible external persona that gets all the attention, even if that’s far from the full 3D. But I’d like to think that my own experience as a bit of a nervous nelly has taught me to look beyond the immediate exterior, to take time to listen carefully and not jump to conclusions about someone’s personality, behaviour or motivations. I get it, people are often not what they seem.
What really baffles me is when I witness corporate cowardice. Organisations frequently become paralysed by anxiety about change, even when, as a group of people, they know that they really need to big up their bravery. But fear is infectious, I’ve watched it seep through whole teams like a creeping paralysis, destroying potential. I’ve even seen it happen after a period of intense excitement about doing things differently, and better.
Professionally speaking, it’s frustrating to have blown in as a wee whirlwind of positive provocation, someone who inspires ambition and progress, just to watch on as (some) clients retreat to a position of safety. I might not like it, but god knows, I do understand that feelings of fear run deep. So all I’ll say is, come on kids, be brave. Even if you’re absolutely bricking it.
